How I’m finally figuring out what I really want from my life at almost 50

This is the year I turn 50.

I’ve made some big changes and intend to age boldly in midlife and beyond. To do that, I need to be intentional about what that means and what I want for the rest of my life. While I have some idea what that will be, it’s vague.

Up to now, I’ve lived life at the mercy of my hurt little girl.

I know this because my choices were driven by what felt safe and not necessarily what felt right, like deep down inside right. So many times I made myself believe that I was actively choosing and doing what I wanted: getting married, having children, being in long-term relationships, getting those jobs. Big stuff.

But I mostly felt lost and did the things that those around me did.

It breaks my heart.

That little girl inside me who feels so scared, lonely, and unlovable was the driving force behind my actions. I just didn’t know it. And now, at 49, I’m finally ready to acknowledge her influence and to work through the sticky and dark stuff she needs to release.

That means doing the kind of therapy I always avoided.

I’ve had a few different therapists. And I continued working with them even when I knew I wasn’t getting what I needed. They let me dictate how our work should go. I asked for tools, they gave me tools. I talked, they listened. But they never pierced through my defenses.

But that all changed when I found Neil.

I hired Neil to help me with my insomnia. During one of our sessions, he asked me to visualize something that brings me joy and to be in that moment. I couldn’t do it. Neil said, “this is what you need to work on.”

In that moment, I felt seen and cared for like I never had before.

Neil doesn’t let me lean on tools and use my rational brain to get around my stuff. He lovingly guides me through the dark and sticky stuff. It’s been so hard. And the best thing I’ve ever done, and continue to do.

This work is vital to me defining what I really want for my life.

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